The young May couldn’t bring herself to walk away from a crusade. And so she couldn’t abandon Queensland. What place in the world, after all, needed her help more? Staying in Brisbane was her first act of self-sacrifice.
Hence university and the political studies and the activism. But it all went wrong. The crusade went nowhere. The people of Queensland didn’t want to be saved, her fellow missionaries all betrayed the cause and she ended up alone in a prison cell. All that concern and outrage and desire to improve things thrown back in her face. The world wanted to be the way it was. No wonder that when Jeremy came sliding in, arch manipulator of the young that he already was, he found her so easy to turn.
But there was a price, and from that moment on there would be a fatal division in May. While betraying all the beliefs of her youth, she could never embrace the opposite philosophy either… She did what they wanted of her, but for all that they might whisper in her ear that theirs was the only way, the right way, she was never completely convinced, could never quite forgive herself. So she was left with no beliefs at all, only an anchorless cynicism. One of us but eternally an outsider, holding as much disgust for her new life as she was disillusioned with her old. She wasn’t there for the money or the greed or the indulgence. She shared none of our laziness or self-congratulation. She was alone in her vacuum, cold and clear, and so formed a single, bright point in the muddy haze that was our world.

– Andrew McGahan, Last drinks : p.193